i just feel like im going to fucking explode. on the surface i look calm and collected but underneath there is a storm raging. i feel like i want to scream and shout and punch things and just cry and cry but i have to maintain the fact that im happy and hope to God no one corners me and asks whats wrong.

Whats wrong is everything. Mostly Barney at the moment, im tired of the 'i cant come see you cos ive got a Counter Strike match...' phone call. While i sit, pondering why of all things a computer game is better than me. Mum said to me, 'you've just got to face it Sar, you are below his priorities...' shes damn right. I knew if it came down to it, that I would be straight out the window if CS came up. Its making me fucking miserable but i have told him this. SO many times. I'm tired of repeating myself.

Its more of a case of What Do I Do Now... Do I lose Barney because of this? WHY AM I MAKING ALL THE FUCKING EFFORT????????!!!!!!!!!!

I AM NOT A THING HE CAN JUST PICK UP AND DROP WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE IT. I CANT BE IGNORED. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED. I GIVE SO MUCH AND GET SO LITTLE BACK. I FEEL SO ALONE AND SO FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYTHING. IM BORED OF THIS LIFE. I NEED A RELEASE. FAST.